15 Minutes In A Tree

i have to get away tonight
or i will start to cry
my mom and i have had a fight
unknown the reason why

quietly out the front door i slip
with hardly any noise
over a large root i trip
for i possess no poise

i stomp over to my favorite tree
the tears already streaming
it is so dark i bump my knee
while wishing i am dreaming

i swing up in the branches thick
and settle down to rest
i award myself a mental kick
for not keeping my cool and passing the test

cold in jeans and a short sleeved shirt
i hug myself to keep warm
watch two shadowy figures across the street flirt
while preparing myself for the coming storm

i sing to myself to ward off my fears
but falter when i'm overheard
maybe that man walking down the street hears
but thinks only i'm an off-key bird

my neighbor exits his house next door
my dog begins to bark
her racket he cannot ignore
i watch without moving eyes shining in the dark

he calms her down as he walks to his backyard
i hold my breath and wait
whatever he's doing must not be hard
because he comes around front shortly after closing his back gate

he reenters his house
still without noticing me
and i breath a sigh of relief
that i blended so well with my tree

i look up at the branches where we sat
and reflect on better days
before i got so fat
and went through this teenager phase

you told me that you loved me
i told you i loved you
friends forever you said we'll be
but that's sadly not coming true

you (different you) now cross my mind
i wonder how you feel
now that he's being so kind
and even went so far as to kneel

the good times we've had
the talks we share
life doesn't seem as bad
when you tell me you care

you (different you) remember that poem i wrote
quickly at the beginning of the year
i scribbled crossed out wrote and rewrote
made it new beautiful clear

i dedicated it to you
not that you'll ever know
what have my efforts gotten me?
for them i have nothing to show.

i'm getting a little sleepy
perched cautiously high in my tree
i get down and go inside now
still thinking of who i can never truly be.

Song I Wrote--Really Bad

if i could fly
i'd fly away from here
i'd fly into the sky
the wind would wash away my tears

if i could fall
i'd fall right into you
forget the consequences
cause i can do what i want to do

i don't know
if this is right
i don't care
i just want you to hold me tight
i can tell
that this isn't the way that it's meant to be
again i don't care
just keep holding me

if i could float
i'd float up to the stars
don't worry i'd take you with me
we'd make a life together on mars

if i could faint
i'd faint straight dead away
i'd faint into your arms
because i know that would make you stay

and i don't know
if this is right
i don't care
i just want you to hold me tight
i can tell
that this isn't the way that it's meant to be
again i don't care
just keep holding me

if i could...

Fine

the finest piece of wisdom i've ever heard:
"Love said, 'Lie still and think of me'. Sleep said, 'Close your eyes till break of day'. But Dreams came by, and smilingly gave both to Love and Sleep their way." Sara Teasdale

Can't Help It

once upon a time there was a girl
all my stories are about girls
and she was ugly
all my stories are about ugly girls
and she was troubled
all my stories are about ugly troubled girls
well
one day this girl went walking
all my stories have girls walking
and she came across fairyworld
all my stories have girls discovering fairyworld
and there was a beautiful lake there
sound familiar to you
no
it will
and this girl began to drown
but this time something different happened
this girl rose up into the sky
like magic
and she didn't drown
she was dropped onto a branch of a tree
and she was clinging with all her might so she wouldn't fall
but she fell because she was weak
and she drowned anyway
all my stories have girls drowning
in their own
fears
doubts
hopes
dreams
prayers
wishes
feelings
thoughts
i could go one forever because
girls are complex
especially girls who are destined to drown

Piece Of Wisdom Courtesy Of Moi

knowing that i deserve what i'm getting
doesn't make it easier to bear

Done

FINISHED
MY
COMIC
BOOK
SO
FRICKIN
EXCITED
!!!!!
!!!!
!!!
!!
!

Fear

somebody told me today that i wasn't scary
i want to be scary
i want to strike fear into the hearts of lesser beings
and greater beings as well
i want to be powerful
i want to rule myself
and those i love
and those i hate
i would be good at it
scary powerful both good things
but as somebody famous whose name escapes me once said
with great power comes great responsibility
and i've got MORE than enough responsibility right now as it is
so i think i'll hold off on scaryfying myself
for the moment
but reader beware for i will return
bigger and badder than before
watch your back
and watch out
now do you think i'm scary
lie to me
it'll make me feel better about myself

Stupid

home sick
again
i'm a mess
i hate midterms
they're ruining my life
and i hate being me
it's ruining my life too

Vermontian Friends

why do all of you in vermont like me
i don't even know you
it makes me feel good inside
warm and bubbly and
cool
being liked
it's a nice feeling to have

Fuzzy Blue Socks

i am wearing
fuzzy blue socks
and they are hard to walk in
because they are slippery
i fell
on the carpet
it made me sad

Guess What

i can never be good enough
for anything
or anyone
i study for an hour
guess what
i still flunk the quiz
i write countless poems for the boy i love
guess what
he still doesn't love me back
i suck up to my parents real good
use proper grammar and everything
(sorry, real WELL)
guess what
i'm still punished beyond all belief
so you know what
no
guess what
what happens if i just give up
if i don't study
i'll probably do better on the quiz
if i ignore the boy i love
he'll fall in love with me
he told me so himself
crap
yeah
i know
if i'm good without being obnoxiously obvious about it
my "privileges" will be returned
their word
not mine
yeah
i know
oh please
as if
so
guess what
i'm giving up
it's official
and guess what else
i'm giving up on you too

Beauty Is An Imaginary Thing

when i'm alone
i'm beautiful
it's when i'm around others that
i'm not

I'm The Only One You've Got

when there's no hope left
when there's no more reason to cry
when there's no words big enough to describe what you feel
come to me
when there's nothing you can say
when there's nothing you can do
when there's nothing you can think
talk to me
when there's no one you can turn to
when there's no one you can trust
when there's no one you can make understand what you need them to understand
fight your way to me
i understand
i get it
i've been through it too
and if i haven't been through it
then it's only a matter of time
but i can help you
i'm the only one you've got left
but can you help me
repay my services
you can't
maybe you wish you could
maybe you're glad you can't
but i'm the only one you've got
so treat me with respect
because i'm the only one you've got
i'm the only one you've got
if i say it enough times then maybe
i'll start to believe it myself

Story Of My Life

"I'm Just A Kid"
Simple Plan

I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think i got a lot of friends but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When your spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

[Chorus:]
I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight...

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own and here it goes

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me

What the **** is wrong with me?
Don't fit in with anybody
How did this happen to me?
Wide awake I'm bored and I can't fall asleep
And every night is the worst night ever

I'm just a kid [repeat x5]

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that its not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Nobody wants to be alone in the world
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me tonight

I'm all alone tonight
Nobody cares tonight
Cause I'm just a kid tonight

Storytime

once there was a girl
she was beautiful
wait scratch that
too stereotypical
she was ugly
she had coarse brown hair
dark brown dog-crap eyes
and pale skin that burned
but didn't tan
she had freckles
too many of them to count
she had glasses
they were purple and orange
she had braces
that were coming off in a few months
and she was short
very short
and her shortness ended up being her downfall
because one day she was out walking
and she tripped and fell
into fairyworld
there were many different types of fairies there
water fairies
wind fairies
fire fairies
and garden fairies
the girl fell and fell and fell
for a very long time
and then she landed with a big splash in a lake
a water fairy lived in this lake
and heard her cries for help
and her desperate splashing
so the fairy went to go drown the girl
because this fairy was a mean fairy
not a nice friendly helpful one
so the girl saw the fairy coming toward her with evil
in its eyes
and she doggy-paddled frantically toward a tree
that had branches hanging over the lake
one of those branches was long and dangled directly beneath the girls path
so she reached for it
but it eluded her grasp
because it was magical
and also vicious
and it wanted her to drown
so she reached and reached for it
but she couldn't grab it
so she sank slowly beneath the surface of the lake
bubbles rising from her open mouth
her eyes also open
but unseeing
and her hair floating all around her
her glasses fell off and sank to the bottom of the lake faster than she was sinking
but she was beyond noticing
and the fairy and the tree rejoiced
and celebrated her death
if only she had been a bit taller
then she might have grabbed the branch
and this tale wouldn't end
but keep on going right along
with her life
but it doesn't
the end

Why Her And Not Me

why her
i'm just wondering
don't get defensive on me now
it's an innocent question
but it's one i have to ask

why her
why not me
i just don't understand
we're right for each other
like when a good band

plays the song of my life
plays it loud
plays it long
and the music enfolds me
the lyrics enrich me
you're my new favorite song

why her
why not me
we're good when we're together
two puzzle pieces
connected
forever

and i know that eventually
the puzzle's dismantled
the song's last chord chimes
but i can't face the fact that the time of our lives

is just barely beginning
it feels like the end
i don't know what i'll do without you
my wonderful friend

why her
why not me
perfection at last
i just can't believe that
it's all in the past

is it true that your feelings for me
don't exist anymore
or is it just you denying them
pushing them down under and--

oh wait
you love her now
it's true
and i know

that the question why her
and not me
is as far as i'll go

toward questioning fate
something even i do not dare
because i take whatever hand i'm dealt
no matter how unfair

but that doesn't mean i have to be happy about it...

My Story (Part 1)

this is my story
i was born in new york
in the city
i love it there
i miss it
the excitement
the danger
the life
but when i was 4 we moved
here
to georgia
to the south
ugh
don't get me wrong
i love it here too
but it's not the same
stuck in the suburbs
going to a hippie school
not really living like lives are lived in new york city
not really living like i could be
if i had the chance

More Of What I Want

i want to be your friend again
just like before
but better
i want you to confide in me like nobody else
i want to laugh with you like we once did
i want to not know the damage you can do
i want to be innocent with you
i want you to back me up when i'm attacked
i want to never be attacked by you again
i want you to catch me when i fall
i want to catch you when you fall
i want you to call me so you can rant
i want you to call me so you can cry
i want you to call me for no reason whatsoever
i want to get up the guts to call you
i want to know if you're happier without me
i want you to be miserable without me
i'm not proud of that fact
i want her to turn on you
i want you to come crying back to me
so i can comfort you
i want to be friends
without the insinuations
i want to be friends
without the weirdness
i want to be friends
like we were before
i want you to fall in love with me
(different you)
p.s. i'm sorry if this offends anybody in any way
but i'm through being silver and cold
over you
so learn to
deal with it

I Can't Laugh Any More

the title pretty much says it all.
and i'm sorry.
for what i emailed you.
you know who you are.

Funny Little Poem

roses are red
violets are blue
i'm a schizophrenic
and so am i
get it?

Home Sick

it sucks.
that's all there is to it.

What I Want

i'm copying you on this one hannah

sorry

i want to be alone

i want to never have to be alone again

i want my dad to shut up

stop being hurtful

and get off his high horse

he's not perfect either

i want my mom to shut up

understand more

stop treating me like a maid

i want her to hug me

i want to not be too big to sit on her lap

i want to be so big i can hit her back when she hits

me

i want to be the favorite child
i want attention

i want to be famous

for good things only

i want to leave

i want to leave the state

the country

the world

i want to leave this house

i want to be free

to do what i want

and i want a lot

here's some more

i want world peace

a surefire cure for cancer

suicide attempts

and heartache

i want to be loved by all

i want to be loved by one particular person

who shall remain nameless

i want to never be replaced

ever

not as a friend

not as a girlfriend

not as a person

i want to be remembered

i want to learn how to surf

ride a horse

play soccer

volleyball

and basketball

and be good at it all

i want to be more athletic

i want to be skinny

i want to not burn

just tan

i want blond hair

wait red hair

wait purple hair

i don't care hair

just different than the hair i have now

i want to have 20/20 vision

i want to have straight white teeth

i want to have dimples

i want to have long legs

i want to be less uinque

opinionated

strange

weird

different

i want a normal name

a normal religion

a normal voice

i want to sound like a girl

i want to not be ashamed of my laugh

i want the uncertain

i want the facts

i want truth

i want what my subconscious is telling me

i don't want

i want all that

and so much more

but for now

it's left unspoken

it's better that way

for all of us

Bandanna Wearing Freak

i am a bandanna wearing freak
and proud
deal with it

Birthday Wishes To Myself

life is like a bud,
opening up.
full of new possibilities.
but not for me.
because i've given up on getting what i want.
i've finally learned my lesson.
after 14
LONG
years of heartache.
severe disappointment syndrome
is
NOT
a pleasant feeling to have.
in fact,
it sucks.
but,
i should be used to it by now,
i guess.
because nothing goes right for me,
not even when i wish
on my 15 birthday candles.
happy birthday to me.
but,
why?
because it wasn't happy.

I Wish

things i wish for
there are a lot
i wish i could play piano brilliantly without ever having to practice
but i can't
i wish i could get all the answers right in class so the teacher couldn't humiliate me in front of
everyone
but i can't
i wish i could work up the nerve to admit my feelings to myself
but i--
oh, wait
that one i did
and i'm the proudest i could ever be of myself
ever
but i'm not so proud of my manipulation skills
i've hurt people with my actions before
many people
my friends
my enemies
even my family
and i formally apologize
because i feel bad about it
there
are you all happy now

Mood Swings

my good humor's going down the drain

you know what sucks

you know what really sucks

life sucks

and no

i'm not being melodramatic

i'm just pissed

i shall explain:

missing 2 days of school,

so you're behind

1.

the guy you like likes your best friend,

enough said

2.

your other best friend pissed at you (filthy hypocrite)
because he THINKS YOU'RE FAWNING

I AM DOING NOTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU DO/DID

3.

do i really need to go on

i didn't think so

The Show Must Go On--Even If One Of The Main Players Is Absent

a new door is opening.

hello world.
hello readers.

hello sound of children playing outside.

i could join you.

if i choose to.

but i am a recluse.

so i stay inside.

and hide.

welcome to Silver And Cold Once More--Deal With It.

it's my life.

and i'll cry if i want to.

cry if i want to.

cry if i want to.

you would cry too if it happened to you.

i am alone.

enjoy...